For a while I worked at a University, in the Computer Laboratory. The Uni had a brilliant but totally accident-prone Safety Officer.
I’ll call him Clouseau, because the famous French Inspector and he were one and the same. They looked the same, moved in the same awkward manner and unfortunately his outcomes were similar.
I and a couple of colleagues from the Lab were sent on a one day course. We listened to all the drills and read all the notes. But then came the highlight of the day — the demonstrations of items such as fire blankets and fire extinguishers.
FIRE BLANKET
There we were, some twenty or so employees from various departments, sat in the first couple of rows of a lecture theatre. Clouseau was on stage.
He explains and shows us how people behave if they catch fire — much waving of arms, great animation and high panic. He then demonstrates how to extract the blanket from the canister. How you hold the upper edges, held high in both hands. How you would walk up behind the flaming person and wrap the blanket around them to smother the flames. He adds it’s often best to take them to the floor to finish smothering any flames, which he demonstrates by knocking the back of their knees.
Not happy with a solo demo, he asks for a volunteer. No one moves. So he picks someone — a big girl from the front row. She wobbles up the three steps onto the stage. He asks her to feign panic and pretend she’s aflame. She does this with gusto, running around the stage waving her arms.
Clouseau walks up behind her with the blanket but steps on it. He trips into her with a bump and instinctively wraps his arms around her. She’s really into her part, panicking dramatically. He tries to knock her knees but struggles because (a) he’s still standing on the blanket and (b) she’s a whopper. Eventually, over she starts to go — unfortunately, right at the edge of the stage. Clouseau notices and holds on tight, but her momentum sends them both crashing off the stage, Clouseau still clutching her, doing a sort of unplanned judo roll into the audience.
FIRE EXTINGUISHERS
By now Clouseau has recovered and leads us outside onto a grassy clearing to demonstrate the extinguishers.
Behind him are several extinguishers and what looks like a giant baking tray — six foot long, five foot wide, with a two-inch lip. He explains the different types of extinguisher — for liquids, gases, electrical fires. Then he pours a flammable liquid into the tray. Turns to us holding an extinguisher aloft, warning that the triggers can ice up. His assistant lights the tray. Clouseau puts it out beautifully. We each have a go, now with frost forming around the triggers.
Then comes the grand finale. Clouseau refills the tray with fuel. He paces back and forth in front of us, blanket held high in front of his face, explaining technique. He doesn’t see that he’s caught his heel on the tray’s lip, sending a wave of fuel to the back. It returns as a mini tsunami, spilling over the tray all over his shoes and trousers.
Before anyone can say a word, his assistant lights the tray. With a gasp from the crowd, up goes the fire — and up go Clouseau’s feet. He’s still in demo mode, managing to smother the tray fire with the blanket. Then he turns proudly to face us, unaware his legs are ablaze.
With terror dawning, he grabs the nearest extinguisher and freezes his fingers to the icy trigger. In a panicked dance he hops around, extinguisher stuck to his hand, pants on fire. His assistant finally douses him in thick white foam from waist to shoes.
THE MORAL
When you cannot spot the nob in the room — it could be you.
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